Last week was a hard week. We began missing home, the girls were testing their boundaries all week, I had a cold, and I got hit with a wave of insecurity that seemed to knock me off balance. It was hard. I didn't want to work on building relationships we had started, I didn't want to practice Khmer, I was worried about what others thought, and I was fearful for what my kids' deal was.
It is very safe to say that this week has been so much better than last. The girls got over and through their boundary testing, and are back to their normal fun selves, and through prayer and talking with others I have found insecurity once again melting away.
The other night we spent time out in the neighborhood, loving on kids, playing, and practicing and using Khmer as much as possible. It was so fun, I even got to meet and cuddle a sweet little 2 month baby girl that lives just a few houses down.
Yesterday especially was so fun! I used more Khmer than I have yet in a day, and the more I forced myself to use it the more my confidence built during the day. The girls did great all day, and we had fun doing school, going to the market, the supermarket and lunch with the team. Then I headed to language class, and walked home with a classmate who I seem to be forming a fast friendship with. She and her husband will be our first non-teammates to come to our home for dinner on Saturday night. It has been neat to see how many people in our neighborhood are excited to help, and allow us to practice our Khmer with them. They are wonderful. Yesterday was a good fun day.
All of this to say fighting our insecurities is worth it. I have struggled with insecurity most of my life. For sure a lot of my adult life. About 3 years ago I felt a call to let go, and allow God to really work in my heart in the area of fear. He did this also in college. Each time it is painful, and wonderful. Last summer God really gripped me with wanting to heal the things in my heart that feed my insecurity, and showed me a glimpse of what life here in Cambodia could look like if I was willing to let go. Open up and love people well, without fear of what they are thinking, or what they might do.
This has been surprisingly easy up until last week. God showed me last week how fear, and insecurity can wreck havoc on living somewhere well. Especially living here well. Here we need to be open, loving, and ok with being that weird family. In a community where the majority of the people have a different worldview, and different religious beliefs we are going to be different, stand out and even at times seem very weird. I can't control what is said about us, but I can control letting them see Jesus in my life and in the life of our family. Fear has no place where there is perfect love. We choose daily to parent from a place of love instead of fear, and to build relationships out of love and not fear. Why not do that with everything God has called us to.
This week has been so much better coming out of the darkness of my own fear and insecurity, allowing my God who is big, mighty, and loving to wash over it. To cover that insecurity with His security. To move me into this new life of His so very gently. To allow me to walk with Him, amongst people He loves. As He continues to work on this in my heart I have no doubt that the joy He brings will flow, and I cannot wait to see what God does here in me, and in people around me.
Don't hide in your insecurities. Don't hide because of your fears. Our God is greater, and is able. He is powerful, and He is good. If you struggle in this area like me, be patient with yourself, and allow God to work on it, in His way, little by little. The person I was when He started this work in me in College is nowhere near who I am now. He is faithful to complete the work He begins, and I cannot wait to see what He has done in a few years in making me into who He made me to be.
As always here are some cute pictures of what our sweet girls have been up to. :)
|Amirah spends a lot of our mornings reading. :) She loves her books! |
|Layla got up from their bed, but when she climbed into ours decided she needed another hour or so of sleep. |
|Every week we have a staff meeting lunch with the team in a food court near our school. The girls usually make a friend to play with while we talk. This was them playing this week. |
|Today we went to our first playgroup! It was so fun, and at a cool new urban play area! Layla was so excited to see swings and get to swing! |
|As always the tuk tuks are our main transportation if we aren't walking, and the girls love them. |