Monday, September 26, 2016

Dreams Cost Something, and Even Hurt

Thank you for loving us so well... the blessing of the sending church

This last weekend I had the privilege of going to a women's retreat with our home church. It was amazing.

Since we left Durango 4 months ago, I have wrestled with what it means to call a church our home church or our sending church. This is really simply because I want wherever we are to find a local home church to be apart of, invest in and be in community with. So how can a place we have left be home too?? I also kind of thought that once we were gone we were gone, and even somewhat forgotten.

I was WRONG!!!

The River Church is our home church, our sending church... and though I didn't know what that meant or what that looked like I am so grateful that they know! They knew and they are so good at it! Even before we have headed overseas they are taking time to pray for us, they haven't forgotten us, and they love us! They love us... they love us enough that they are our biggest cheerleaders for what God is leading us to do. They are a safe place for us to land, I was so reminded of this this weekend. They are our church family.

My prayer is that in Cambodia we will find a church home, that can be another piece of our extended church family. To have community with and to love, and all those good things. We learned how be apart of community at The River Church. We learned how to do community and do it well at The River Church. Our home church/our sending church is and always will be this special family, piece to our story, and greatest encouragers because they love us so well.

The River Church has invested in our ministry, and will always be critical part of that ministry. I am so grateful for them, and for that special community. It was hard to leave you ladies yesterday. I was so overwhelmed by the way you loved me and my family this weekend. Thank you for being you.

Also, if you are reading this and are thinking that you wish you had a church family as amazing as we do, or that you wish you had a community of people looking out for you no matter where you could. Here's how:

1. INVEST where you are. Invest your time, energy, money, love, sweat, and tears into a local church. You will get a return that will blow you away. It is worth it.

2. LOVE where you are. Love the people. Love them enough to walk through conflict with them, to speak truth in love, to learn with them. It is worth it.

3.  BE VULNERABLE with who you are with. Be open, be honest, let people love you. Let people help you. It is worth it.

I am so grateful for a weekend with women who I love, and who love me. Life long friends I know I can always come home to.

Thank you home church.

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

He sees you...yes you...

Having followed Jesus for somewhere around 24 years, I have found that I grow through different season, different times, and all kinds of emotions. I have learned that God is good, sufficient, trustworthy, and unfailing.

However there have been many times when I question Him, I wander while I wonder about who He really is, and if He really cares. I wonder if He could forgive me, if Jesus could/would truly wipe away my guilt, my tears, and make me whole. I feel closed out by "His people" or I am on the ill-guided receiving end from "His people", and I wonder if He cares, if He is real. Or maybe I have burned others by my ill-guided ideas and thoughts, and later realize how wrong I was, maybe I even spoke truth, but missed the love part.

I have many friends I have watched wander also, while they wonder about their relationship with Jesus, their past passions for Him, and their current frustration, uncertainty, and passiveness about Him. I have been there.

 I am always drawn back to Him though. To His word, His people, His love and His patience. I am drawn back to His heart, and His understanding. He woos me towards Him, to deeper levels. I have been contemplating this a lot lately. How on the other side of every wall of disbelief, questioning, and sorrow He is still there, He is waiting, He is seeking me out. I see the foundation He build deep within me before I ever hit my first wall in my faith, the way He know I could draw and dwell on that when everything in me wanted to run, hide, and never speak to Him again.

He is so faithful.

He sees you.

He is good, and He loves you.

Often we are pushed away from our Savior because of His people. His imperfect people doing their best to love, show Jesus and serve Him. Sometimes it is because they are loving us well and we don't feel that lovable, so we feel guilty and we run. We run from that which makes us feel good, because we "deserve to feel awful, to feel miserable."

BUT... Here is the truth. It isn't about the people who have messed up, it isn't about you feeling awful or miserable. It IS about you. It IS about Jesus. It is about Him seeing, loving and chasing you, simply because He loves you. It isn't a numbers game to Him, it's a love affair with you. I wanted to share this, because the more friends I meet who are wandering around, wander away, searching for a renewed sense of the truth to fit them, to fit their lives, and feelings the more my heart breaks as they look. I want them to see, to feel Jesus wooing them, calling them back to His truth, showing them who they were created to be, and the abundance He has for them right where they are at. Not in a year when their life is more in order... not in a week when they are done with that struggle, but right now, right here.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016


Have you ever been homesick but you didn't even fully know for where? That's how I have felt today. I have felt homesick. We are in our nomadic state, and have been for awhile now, and when we got back from the East Coast I was eager to be home, and to go to church. Then I realized I this doesn't feel like home. In some weird way I don't feel like I have a home, one that is ours. My heart was longing for my friends, my home, and my church. We are apart of a great church here, but my church for 10 years has been in Durango, and I miss my people. My family of choice, and the stability of that family, and home. Realizing our time is coming to an end here in the US is both exciting and exhausting. I am excited to go, to have a new home, to connect into a new church where we will be. I am excited to plant myself again. Feeling homeless is hard. Especially when you are homesick and you aren't quite sure where you are homesick for. What if you are homesick and without a home?...then what do you do?

While we were at CIT there was a feeling of home. A space that was ours, and people who understood our hearts, circumstances, and feelings. They were there too. Now we are back. Fighting through, feeling like we are home and yet still a little homesick...Is it possible to be homesick for a place that hasn't been our home yet? I think it might be. I feel a little homesick for Cambodia, to get there to have a home, and to start building community.

This is short. However I wanted to share this weird feeling... have you ever felt this way? There is so so much joy and anticipation in our hearts right now, but also a lot of sorrow and grief. It is sad to leave behind people and places we love. It is hard being in the in-between. It is exciting and a little bit scary to be moving forward.

God is good, He is trustworthy, He is faithful. He hasn't failed, and He won't start now. I am so grateful to serve such an awesome God.