As we are facing our final days in Durango, my heart is sad. I am so sad to leave our community, our family of choice. I find myself weepy over silly things, and I find myself trying to pretend that the end is not as near as it is. I also find myself ready. Ready to move forward, ready to see more of what God has for us, ready to spend time with our families, and ready to reconnect with old friends.
Knowing we will "rebuild" when we get to Cambodia. It is great and wonderful, and sad, and hard.
I have meditated a lot lately on the story of the rich young ruler in the gospels. Jesus tells him to sell everything he has and give to the poor, then come follow me. I shared in a previous post how I have never understood why the rich young ruler went away sad, it's just stuff. However, I get it more now. We love our stuff. I think even beyond loving our stuff, we are secure with our things. Lately I have been contemplating one more aspect I had never thought of before. The rich young ruler didn't know the future, he didn't know where Jesus would lead him, or how his needs would be met. He didn't know IF IT WOULD BE WORTH IT. Would it be worth it? He probably had worked hard to accumulate his wealth and possessions, to sell it all, or give it all away almost seems foolish. What if he would eventually have to start over? What if he really regretted getting rid of that one item? What if Jesus abandoned him shortly after he gave up everything? What if....?This has been my contemplation, "Is this really worth it? God are you really worth it? What if you aren't even really real? What if you abandon us? What if you don't take care of us? What if we end up without a home? What if we take this leap of faith and land flat on our faces, regretting it all?"
Every single time I come back to these truths, "You are worth it. The people you have called us to serve and share Jesus with are worth it. Eternity with you for these people is worth it. You have never failed us, you won't start now. How could I deny how really real you are, you saved me! You rescued and changed me, you set me free! You are good and you are trustworthy. You have always taken care of us beyond our greatest desires. A home is where our family is, not an accumulation of stuff. We won't regret anything because You have taught us so much through this process. GOD YOU ARE WORTH IT!"
He is worth it. He is worth leaving behind our belongings (minus what we can fly with, and few treasures in my parents' basement). He is worth selling our table that had so many fun, and wonderful memories around. Our couch that we literally moved so it would fit in our house. (Kind of silly right?) He is worth it all, because He is good, and trustworthy and He has saved my soul. I want to love what God loves, the way He loves them, that's people not stuff.
This is a glimpse into my heart. My internal dialogue I have with myself as we are facing our last days of small town, mountain living. Of being surrounded by beautiful ponderosas, the Animas River, and most importantly so many sweet, loving amazing friends. Though I am teary at the drop of the hat right now, I think I am ready. I moved to Durango at 17 for college, and minus one summer I have been here since. It has been a wonderful home. Good-byes are hard, my heart is sad, but my soul is excited for the future.
WE SERVE A BIG GOD AND HE IS WORTH IT ALL!