Being More You

Recently I have been blown away by how the more we know Jesus, the more we seek and find Him the more us we become. We live in a time and a worldly culture where people are trying to be "their best selves" or "true to their selves" people are trying to find "me time" and employ "self-care". So much of this new fad is good. Even useful and purposeful in our lives. It can also be so selfish, and feed our selfishness that we already have in us. Telling ourselves things like "I deserve this..."

However what I have been learning recently, and leaning into is the truth that we become who we were made to be as we get to know our Creator more. I mean He made you. We become more of us, our real selves as we trust, follow and obey Jesus. If you want to see who you really are follow Jesus. If you want to see the good and the bad of your true character follow Jesus, and walk with people who follow Him also. If you want to be true to your true self, follow Jesus. This is not as glamorous, glorious, or always fun, but I promise you it is more effective for finding your true self. I love how as we follow Him we discover who we are. 

I think this is even true with finding time to do things you love and enjoy, but do them as worship to the Creator who created you to love and enjoy that. Do it as a child enjoying their gifts from their Heavenly Father. Enjoy. Enjoy what He created you to do and to enjoy. As we do these things, as we worship, I have recently noticed how much more us we are. One example is I have recently seen some friends who lead worship and are very skilled at it, begin to let more of themselves, and even their personal culture out as they lead others in worship, and it is so beautiful! They are confident and reflect who God made them to be, by the way they lead others in worship, and if you know them well, you can see how they are just being more them, as they lead worship. They are reflecting the part of God they represent back to God. It is beautiful. 

For me this means I am letting God continue to soften my heart. To love others where they are at, and where I am at. I am letting Him lead me, in His grace and mercy. Taking steps of faith, in the face of fear and discomfort, I want to be fully who He created me to be.

My prayer is to be an encouragement to those around me to be all of who God created each of them to be as well, to embrace it, and run with it. To change into who they were always meant to become. 

The bucket

So a few months ago now,  we were having power cuts and water issues like many people in our city. I set out to find some large bowls to hand-wash laundry in, in case it got worse, and we wouldn't be able to use our washing machine, and on my way out the door Chris asked me to try to get a big bucket (think larger trash can) to fill up with water in one of our bathrooms so we would have water if we lost most of our water pressure as things got worse. Then we would have water for bucket showers and toilet flushing etc. So I ran to the supermarket because I didn't really know where else to go. I found the tubs for hand-washing clothes I was looking for, but no bucket.

On my way to the super market I had a very friendly tuk tuk driver, who was so happy to have an American customer that spoke Khmer, we chatted all the way there, and I paid him and said good bye. Then when I called a tuk tuk on my app to come get me, it was him! (this rarely if ever happens) He laughed at me for getting a tuk tuk to go so close to my house and the fact that I didn't buy very much, telling me I could have driven my moto (scooter). I explained that I had planned to buy this big bucket for water, but they didn't have any. He then exclaimed that he knew where to get one and it wasn't very far away. He would take me! (Now the thing about wonderful, helpful tuk tuk drivers like him, is it is hard to tell them no, and it is hard to convince them that you can do it later.) So I obliged and off we went to a small local market nearby that I don't know very well. He stopped at one shop asked if they had any of these buckets, and they did not. Stopped at another and they had them! Yay! So I jumped out and talked with the shop owner. She only had the second to biggest buckets and the largest lids. So I could get a bucket and  come back later for the lid... I agreed, and the price was probably double what it would normally be, but I knew we needed it, I knew everyone was buying them, and that this might just be THE price now. So I paid it and brought it home. The tuk tuk driver was proud of himself for helping me, but shocked it was so expensive, and told me all the way home. I paid him, and thanked him.

I brought my new found bucket with no lid into the house, with my washing tubs, and Chris asked me what I had bought. He was surprised by the price, and that it didn't have a lid. I confidently told him that I would go back the next week and pick up the lid as she assured me they would have them next week. Now these kind of errands are hard. She doesn't speak any English and I don't quite have the vocabulary for this area of life. So even buying the bucket is like I want one of these (pointing at  a small bucket) but bigger. She asking me in Khmer, that I only understand about half of, and me saying yes, assuming it is what I meant. Then her bringing out the bucket but no lid. Me asking where is the thing that goes on top? (because I don't know the word for lid) Her saying the word for lid and asking if that is what I mean, me shrugging and nodding because I think so. Then her telling me about the lids, and me guessing she means she doesn't have them but will. She gives me her number to call her in a few days to see if she has them yet, which I take knowing full well I will not be calling it, because phone conversations in a second language are hard,but maybe I can get Chris to do it. I leave wondering if I will ever get a lid for the bucket.

So for a week I put this trip back to this little shop off. Chris presses me a bit that I really should go back. I assure him that he could go, I could tell where. (Obviously he doesn't want to either) Clearly I know I don't have all the language skills I need to do this easily, and if she isn't there, or doesn't remember me, I have to start all over with talking like a 3 year old and pointing and trying to explain what I am looking for. I work up the courage, and I head back on my moto this time. I get there and my biggest fear is coming true, she isn't there her husband is, and the shop is busy. (Sellers are much more patient when with my Khmer when they are not busy naturally) So I wait a bit, and summon the courage to head in. I tell the husband that I bought one of those (pointing at the bucket) the week before but didn't get one of the things that goes on top, because they didn't have them, and the lady had told me I could come get one this week. He looks at me confused. I wonder if what I said made any sense at all. Then he smiles and says oh yeah, not yet. You have to wait. However the way he said it was unsure if I needed to wait like 5-10 mins and his wife would be back. Or if they hadn't received any yet and I needed to wait like another week. So confused I let him get to other customers and headed out to my moto, where I then sit for 5-10 mins replaying the conversation in my head trying to decide do I stay? Or do I go? What does he expect me to do? His shop quiets down, and he walks out to the front to see me still sitting there. He asks me if I need something else. I then ask him, so do you have the thing or not? He then explains to me again (much more patiently) that they haven't come in yet, and I needed to come back another day. Also offers to take my name and phone number and call me when they come. So we stumble through me spelling my name in Khmer, and giving my phone number, and I leave. I buy a few fruit and veggies on the way and go home.

I walk in the door and Chris says no lid huh? I say yup, and I don't think we will get one. We both laugh, and are still waiting for him to call me. Have I gone back to ask about my lid again? Nope. Why, because it feels overwhelming, I don't want them to feel bad for not having it, and if it is someone different I may have the same exhausting experience again. So we have a bucket for water with no lid, and it has been working just fine. It is also a great reminder of all the things we still have learn living in a country, language, and  culture different than the one we grew up in. 

You may be thinking oh that's just one thing, and you would be so wrong. It is many things, and these things happen daily. Sometimes they are worth pushing through, and sometimes like this lid they are not. To be honest that is ok too.

                                              

Long time no post

I should go through and count how many times I vow to post on here more frequently or regularly... I always want to, but we get busy, or I simply cannot think of things worth posting etc. So I am done making promises that I will post regularly or every week etc. However, I don't want to completely let this fizzle out and end, sooo here is another post! Hopefully more will follow, but no promises.

I find myself sitting in a coffee shop today that I have spent many of my afternoons in the last few summers. It is about two blocks from an amazing summer Khmer program the girls love, and that is too far from home to bring the girls and go home, so I come here or another coffee shop and work on things or study. I also go to my language classes twice a week, and it is a fun change of pace for all 3 of us.

Today when I walked into this coffee shop I was overwhelmed with new emotions attached to this place. It was the first place in the city outside of our home that was kind of my spot. I found it the first try when a friend mentioned it to me, and I was so excited to have found it on my own, and have a safe, cool place to spend my afternoons studying Khmer, and working on things. Then came last summer, when I alternated between here and other places and was studying, and working on homeschool things, as well as English lessons for church. I felt, comforted, relaxed, and nostalgic as I walked in today, ordered in Khmer, sat down, and pulled my computer out. It no longer feels foreign at all but familiar and normal. I remember when I first came to this coffee shop, the relief I would feel that I found it again, and that I could relax, and the anxiousness I would feel when it came time to leave to walk back to the girls school, because everything felt stressful then. Contrasted with today it is just normal. It feels normal. I am not nervous about walking back to the girls' school, or talking with their teacher, this is our life, and I like it.

This reflection as I sat down here today really reflects so much of our lives here in Cambodia now. We have been here two and a half years and so many things that used to be exhausting, that used to be so stressful, and hard, are now normal. They are now how we do things, and I don't question it. It is good to have found a place, a home here, and to be comfortable. Then I stretch in new ways, and grow and become uncomfortable, or change, and that is good too.

My newest idea for this blog is to share about these things that feel so normal now, or don't feel normal but we've adjusted, and give glimpses in new ways into our lives.

Lead me...

"Trust in the Lord, and live."

I wanted to encourage you to turn to Jesus in whatever your need might be. I was reading my bible and the prophet kept saying "Turn to Yahweh and live!" but the people kept trying everything else instead. Then I immediately thought of the day we were preparing to leave Cambodia for this home assignment, and I had done a huge last load of laundry and as soon as the washing machine finished spinning it began to pour rain, and the kind of rain that look liked it would last all day. 

While I was cleaning the rest of our house I frantically texted a friend for quick ideas of how to get that huge load of laundry dry so I could put it away before we left that evening for the airport. She gave me great ideas, of hanging it inside with fans etc. but I decided to wait it out. I decided to finish mopping and then hang the laundry, maybe the sun would come back out. I was mopping the last floor, looked up and it was still raining, lightly raining. 

Then I thought I should ask God to stop the rain. So I quickly and maybe even halfheartedly prayed, "God please stop the rain so I can hang my laundry, and it will dry before we leave tonight". About 5 minutes later the rain had nearly stopped, the sun was coming out, and a small breeze picked up!

I ran upstairs and hung the laundry, it didn't rain the rest of the day, and it was all mostly dry by the time I got home to fold it and put it away before we headed to the airport. See I connected with this because I stressed over it for probably close to 2 hours before I stopped to pray for a small thing. He cares about the small things and He will meet us in those things. Would it have stopped raining anyway? Maybe, but the point God highlighted for me in this little illustration was to not forget to ask before I run to other things, or people to fix my problems. He can do it, and He cares even about the small things.

Don't forget to bring it to Him. The big, the small, the in between. He cares, He sees, and He wants to meet you in that thing. 

Am I Convinced?? Are you??

SO this is something I wrote a few months ago, in reaction to watching the series A.D. I have also recently been listening to the bible project podcast, and many of these things are still stirring in my heart. God is doing something deep in me with this idea of loving others. Decided it was time to share this. I hope it encourages others like it is me, to let Jesus do this work deep in your hearts as well to love the way He loves us. 

We have been watching the series A.D. on netflix recently. It has left me wondering so many things. Especially about my own heart, seeing a portrayal of the Holy Spirit, and the real power of the Holy Spirit, and the early church. What they did, what they gave up, and how they moved through the events after Jesus rose again. I am left wondering what I would have done. Peter makes a speech in one of the episodes right after the Holy Spirit comes and I actually wanted to leap off my couch at 10pm at night and do what he said.

I found myself wondering what I believe about the power of the Holy Spirit in us, and the sacrifices I am willing to make to see Jesus come to people. Over and over I hear Peter (in the show) speak about love, how love was Jesus's way, even talking with other Jews about how they are no longer to fight with each other but just fight. (I have been reading through the old testament recently, and the bloodshed and fighting has been standing out to me too... so this distinction Peter makes of the time before to fight and the time now to love like Jesus did was amazing to me. Really I just needed a place to put all of these thoughts.

Also they set out to rescue and love all those that needed help. Even knowing they may be taken advantage of, and used. That was ok, because that is a risk when we love others. Barnabas giving what he had, they all facing death at any moment, and giving up family etc. Spoke deeply to me too, we have given up a lot to come to Cambodia and have gained a lot. We have made sacrifces but truly nothing in comparison to what those who have gone before us have given up.

I have been struggling in my heart lately to want to love people, all people the way Jesus did, and the way He has asked and created me to. I find myself feeling hardened lately, because it is scary to put yourself out there and love the way Jesus asks us to. But I am confident that it is what we are called to do, and it what our early church roots were based on.

So much of what we should be doing is counter cultural to where we live, to human culture anywhere, because God is not human, and though aspects of human culture reflect who He is, it flawed because it is not fully who God is.

One more thing that struck me was watching a portrayal of the man and wife who held money back from God. I have heard that story over and over again, I recognized the couple as soon as they came on the screen. They gave so much, but they held back. I wonder though if it was worse that they just simply weren't honest about it. They said they gave all they had, but they didn't, they held back. They lied, and thought they had gotten away with it. Then their disobedience, the effect it had on the others, and on church. Here are these people who love God, and Jesus and want to give all, but are scared so they hold back. When they hold back the pretend they don't and all are deceived, then when they are punished people are scared of Peter, but it wasn't Peter who killed them.

How often does our disobedience hurt those in community with us around us, and pull us away from what God is doing? Or make others afraid of what God might do?

A Perfectly Summer Day

Well we have been over here running at a pace much faster than our normal "school year" pace. We have more Khmer lessons, and the girls are doing a Khmer summer program, we are running at a fast pace.

However, today we had perfectly "summer" restful morning. We played games, we blew bubbles, Amirah did blocks, we drew a lot, and we sat. We played on the playground and we road bikes. We did play dough, and the only chore we did was dishes. We swung on our swing, and we enjoyed each other. It was so very very nice.

Lately the girls have been sleeping in a bit and this morning they were wide awake and ready to go early, which made our morning even longer and more restful. It was wonderful.