December 2nd, 2016 34 days to go...

Well here we are! December second. We are all tired from traveling, and schedules being off, and some days are just off right now, and that is OK.

We are in the beginnings of organizing, and packing, and preparing for the final move on January 5th, and a little relieved we aren't going anywhere until then. We have been apartment hunting, and emailing. We have been researching more, and learning.

We are trying to feel all the feels of moving, and all the beauties of Christmas. We have our stockings hung, ornaments on the tree, our nativity out, I am addressing Christmas cards and have begun Christmas shopping, and soon cookie baking. We love this time of year, and don't want to miss it in our rush to get ready to move to the other side of the globe. We are also ready. Ready to move, ready to be done waiting and transitioning.

This time of year is wonderful end to this year of preparing, transitioning, learning, and dreaming. It is wonderful because of the reminder of Jesus. I love that we get to celebrate His birth, and His coming to rescue us, right before we leave. Jesus is why we are doing what we are doing. He is why we are going to Cambodia, to share Him with others who have never heard of Him.

The last few years around Christmas time God has been pointing out a different aspect of the coming of Jesus that I haven't thought too much about this year. The last several years it has had to do Mary, having a child and being a mom. The trust Mary and Joseph had to have to trust God to the point of having Jesus. The way they had to trust and love each other.

This year God has already began to highlight something different I have never had highlighted before the anticipation. The anticipation of Jesus. Our greatest gift of all. Between Amirah asking me everyday if tomorrow is Christmas, and our own anticipation of our big move, I find myself really relating to what the wise men must have felt. Knowing the king they had been waiting for was coming. The way Mary must have felt being at the end of her pregnancy knowing Jesus, God's son was coming. The way many scholars of the day must of felt knowing God had been silent for so long, and wondering if the Messiah would ever come.

This year I feel the anticipation. I feel the need to soak it in, to soak in the excitement of Jesus coming! I have been noticing how we prepare for Christmas, this whole advent season of preparing to celebrate Jesus is a lot of work, and a lot of planning. Much like the ones who knew the times when Jesus came may have felt waiting for their Messiah, their King of Kings. It has already added this whole new thing to Christmas for me. An anticipation that I haven't had in a long time. Anticipating celebrating Jesus' birth. My savior and my king. The greatest miracle of all time coming to pass.

Jesus is our all, He is our everything, He is worth laying it all down for. It is such a comfort to know that Jesus came for us, to rescue us, and restore our relationship with God. What a miracle that God would love us this much, and that He had two people, Mary and Joseph that trusted Him so well to allow Him to fulfill His plans through them.

I pray that you will feel the anticipation of celebrating Jesus' birth season.

5,000 miles and still counting (From our visit to Durango a couple weeks of ago)...

Well we made it to November. We've made it to our home, Durango. This weekend we say goodbye again, and finally to this precious town, our precious sending church, and friends we have done life with for the last 10 years. I felt emotionally confused coming into town today. 61 days and we will be boarding our plane to Cambodia, and we will be not have the ability to drive 6 hours and be here...

I was driving up HWY 160 to our friends' house, which is right near our old house. I thought, this so natural, so comfortable, so... home. We haven't been home in 5 months. I came for a women's retreat and it was great, wonderful, but I didn't come all the way to Durango, and I didn't come up here to these sweet neighborhoods. This is home, we got to Pagosa, and Amirah got so excited because we were near our house. I had to reexplain that it isn't our house anymore, our new house is in Cambodia. Yes, I miss our house too. Then when I got up here, I quietly drove by our old house, just to see it. The girls were asleep, and Chris is at the church, so it was just me. I felt my heart swell, and break at the same time, and I thanked God for the sweet sweet memories there. I prayed for the family who bought it, and now occupies it, and I drove away again.

The odd thing is... we brought suitcases home, we are staying in someone else's house, and we our weekend is full of what will be heartwarming and joyful hellos, and heartbreaking, gut-wrenching goodbyes. Easier because we have done them once before, harder because this is it. We have a long time before we will hug these necks, talk with these people, and share life with these friends, and family choice, and when we return, it won't be the same for any of us. Just like it isn't quite the same now.

We just spent a week traveling to see family and family of choice, and training at MissionsPrep. It was exhausting, and wonderful all the same time. We now have a home in Illinois, who knew we would ever have a home there. (A piece of our family of choice moved there.) We wept as we said final goodbyes to the Beach Family, and drove home to Colorado. This weekend we say goodbye to Durango, The River Church, and family of choice still here. Then we head out for one last training at the end of next week, and then, more and more goodbyes. Until December is over, and we board that plane, with our 8 checked bags, 8 carry ons, hearts full of grief, and full of excitement, that the day is here...


**Update when published a few weeks later:
- We finished our final training last week and we enjoyed time together and learning how to be more safe. We often feel these same emotions, and it is a good look into how we feel off and on as we go about celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas and packing!

This season...

We are in a season of fun, exhaustion and even grief, all rolled into one. We are beginning to say goodbyes, preparing for more goodbyes soon, and training. We are building our ministry team, packing, purging, sorting, traveling, planning, and doing normal life. We just returned from visiting my Grandma and had a wonderful time! Now we have 3 days to reset, repack and hit the road for a month! This more traveling busy life is different, it is hard, and it is so fun. I am learning how to enjoy the moments, and the moments in between. To pay attention to right now.

Then I have days like today, where we crash. Girls are still in pjs. Layla has been asleep for almost 1 1/2 hours and Amirah is eating a PB&J for lunch and then will be headed to bed for nap. We've watched kids shows and "The Incredibles" this morning, and I have wondered around on Facebook, done two loads of laundry, and began planning my packing list for the next month, and my todos before we leave this coming weekend. We all have colds, and needed a slow day. Life continues to move forward.

This is a fun/weird/sad season of life. I am loving joining the community we are joining within EMI, and within the missions/international community. It is so different, and it is so not what we are used to. In someways it feels like we belong, we are home, and in someways it feels so different from how we have lived, thought, worked, and done life up to now. I love it and at moments mourn the life we have left and are leaving.

Daily I am reminded that we are doing all of this because God has lead us to. We are moving forward because He is leading. And Jesus better be worth it, or we are screwed. One of our good friends, and mentors in college always said, put yourself in positions where God has to come through or you are screwed... Never have I ever lived this as truly as now. Daily I need Jesus to come through, to show me the moments I don't want to miss, to give me discipline to do what I need to do that day, to help me be the momma my girls need, and to be the wife my husband needs. Daily I need Him to come through to comfort my heart that aches for what we have already left behind, and that aches to be moved on to the next thing, avoiding this long season of travel and transition. Daily Jesus reminds me He is worth it. The God who saves, heals, rescues, redeems, and brings freedom and changes people from the inside out is worth it. The plans He has to use us to reach people who don't know or have never heard His name is worth it. The people He desperately loves are worth it, because we want to love what, and who Jesus loves.

I am excited for our next trip this weekend, to reconnect with our best family friends, family really, more family and to learn about culture in more preparation for Cambodia. But for today, I will enjoy the quiet, while we recover, and slowly begin on my next tasks, with my coffee in hand, and no rush to finish anything today. Today is a day of moments in between. A "normal" day. A day to rest.

Dreams Cost Something, and Even Hurt

Thank you for loving us so well... the blessing of the sending church

This last weekend I had the privilege of going to a women's retreat with our home church. It was amazing.

Since we left Durango 4 months ago, I have wrestled with what it means to call a church our home church or our sending church. This is really simply because I want wherever we are to find a local home church to be apart of, invest in and be in community with. So how can a place we have left be home too?? I also kind of thought that once we were gone we were gone, and even somewhat forgotten.

I was WRONG!!!

The River Church is our home church, our sending church... and though I didn't know what that meant or what that looked like I am so grateful that they know! They knew and they are so good at it! Even before we have headed overseas they are taking time to pray for us, they haven't forgotten us, and they love us! They love us... they love us enough that they are our biggest cheerleaders for what God is leading us to do. They are a safe place for us to land, I was so reminded of this this weekend. They are our church family.

My prayer is that in Cambodia we will find a church home, that can be another piece of our extended church family. To have community with and to love, and all those good things. We learned how be apart of community at The River Church. We learned how to do community and do it well at The River Church. Our home church/our sending church is and always will be this special family, piece to our story, and greatest encouragers because they love us so well.

The River Church has invested in our ministry, and will always be critical part of that ministry. I am so grateful for them, and for that special community. It was hard to leave you ladies yesterday. I was so overwhelmed by the way you loved me and my family this weekend. Thank you for being you.

Also, if you are reading this and are thinking that you wish you had a church family as amazing as we do, or that you wish you had a community of people looking out for you no matter where you are...you could. Here's how:

1. INVEST where you are. Invest your time, energy, money, love, sweat, and tears into a local church. You will get a return that will blow you away. It is worth it.

2. LOVE where you are. Love the people. Love them enough to walk through conflict with them, to speak truth in love, to learn with them. It is worth it.

3.  BE VULNERABLE with who you are with. Be open, be honest, let people love you. Let people help you. It is worth it.

I am so grateful for a weekend with women who I love, and who love me. Life long friends I know I can always come home to.

Thank you home church.

He sees you...yes you...

Having followed Jesus for somewhere around 24 years, I have found that I grow through different season, different times, and all kinds of emotions. I have learned that God is good, sufficient, trustworthy, and unfailing.

However there have been many times when I question Him, I wander while I wonder about who He really is, and if He really cares. I wonder if He could forgive me, if Jesus could/would truly wipe away my guilt, my tears, and make me whole. I feel closed out by "His people" or I am on the ill-guided receiving end from "His people", and I wonder if He cares, if He is real. Or maybe I have burned others by my ill-guided ideas and thoughts, and later realize how wrong I was, maybe I even spoke truth, but missed the love part.

I have many friends I have watched wander also, while they wonder about their relationship with Jesus, their past passions for Him, and their current frustration, uncertainty, and passiveness about Him. I have been there.

 I am always drawn back to Him though. To His word, His people, His love and His patience. I am drawn back to His heart, and His understanding. He woos me towards Him, to deeper levels. I have been contemplating this a lot lately. How on the other side of every wall of disbelief, questioning, and sorrow He is still there, He is waiting, He is seeking me out. I see the foundation He build deep within me before I ever hit my first wall in my faith, the way He know I could draw and dwell on that when everything in me wanted to run, hide, and never speak to Him again.

He is so faithful.

He sees you.

He is good, and He loves you.

Often we are pushed away from our Savior because of His people. His imperfect people doing their best to love, show Jesus and serve Him. Sometimes it is because they are loving us well and we don't feel that lovable, so we feel guilty and we run. We run from that which makes us feel good, because we "deserve to feel awful, to feel miserable."

BUT... Here is the truth. It isn't about the people who have messed up, it isn't about you feeling awful or miserable. It IS about you. It IS about Jesus. It is about Him seeing, loving and chasing you, simply because He loves you. It isn't a numbers game to Him, it's a love affair with you. I wanted to share this, because the more friends I meet who are wandering around, wander away, searching for a renewed sense of the truth to fit them, to fit their lives, and feelings the more my heart breaks as they look. I want them to see, to feel Jesus wooing them, calling them back to His truth, showing them who they were created to be, and the abundance He has for them right where they are at. Not in a year when their life is more in order... not in a week when they are done with that struggle, but right now, right here.

Homesick?

Have you ever been homesick but you didn't even fully know for where? That's how I have felt today. I have felt homesick. We are in our nomadic state, and have been for awhile now, and when we got back from the East Coast I was eager to be home, and to go to church. Then I realized I this doesn't feel like home. In some weird way I don't feel like I have a home, one that is ours. My heart was longing for my friends, my home, and my church. We are apart of a great church here, but my church for 10 years has been in Durango, and I miss my people. My family of choice, and the stability of that family, and home. Realizing our time is coming to an end here in the US is both exciting and exhausting. I am excited to go, to have a new home, to connect into a new church where we will be. I am excited to plant myself again. Feeling homeless is hard. Especially when you are homesick and you aren't quite sure where you are homesick for. What if you are homesick and without a home?...then what do you do?

While we were at CIT there was a feeling of home. A space that was ours, and people who understood our hearts, circumstances, and feelings. They were there too. Now we are back. Fighting through, feeling like we are home and yet still a little homesick...Is it possible to be homesick for a place that hasn't been our home yet? I think it might be. I feel a little homesick for Cambodia, to get there to have a home, and to start building community.

This is short. However I wanted to share this weird feeling... have you ever felt this way? There is so so much joy and anticipation in our hearts right now, but also a lot of sorrow and grief. It is sad to leave behind people and places we love. It is hard being in the in-between. It is exciting and a little bit scary to be moving forward.

God is good, He is trustworthy, He is faithful. He hasn't failed, and He won't start now. I am so grateful to serve such an awesome God.